I don’t know who you are, or why you are reading this page. I only know that for this moment, you’re reading it, and that is a very good thing…
I haven’t told anyone. No I wasn’t going to tell anyone (probably wanted to keep this as my tiny little secret). This private conversation with God was too tender and raw to share. Perhaps my life’s calling was about to take a sharp left turn. How do I recover from this latest blow of hurt and disappointment? For hours, I spilled out my concerns to Him — begging for answers and desperately wanting the gnawing pain in my heart to go away. Yet the pain was still there, very tangible… Depression set in and all I could think of was to end it all…
Somewhere in 2014, I lost one of the most valuable people in my life. I thought to myself; it was all over. I thought I had lost it all without having a taste of what it would have been like. Yes I was growing and still needed him around, in fact I think I still do. Was God really concerned? Was my life’s calling about to take a sharp left turn that I wasn’t prepared for? No more pampering, What happens to the plans of furthering my education? My dreams? My life was virtually shattered with that text message “sorry about your dad, my condolences”. I needed people. But did they even understand? No.
After a difficult experience, and it always seems easier to linger under the covers a little while longer. But what happens when that thought becomes your default? I grew bitter, I blamed God for taking my dad away (He took my little brother and sister away when I was little and now this? I was always going to church, serving and giving like every other believer. So why didn’t He prevent it? I allowed the devil play with my mind, I stopped going to church regularly, I became bitter and moody, my grades started to drop, the look of anger became my default, I didn’t like who I had become.
Now feeling like a mess, a failure, I couldn’t hold it in, it seemed like just the right time, my room mates were not around. “Well, I might as well just end it all before they get back” I said to myself. (Yes I tried to commit suicide!) I still can’t explain how I got to that point but thank God whatever I mixed up to drink on that fateful Saturday slipped from my hands.
“I don’t know how I escaped this phase” I just know Grace came through.
My mind did a lot of wondering. Circumstances that produced full-on hot tears as I cried out to God in despair. Was God really concerned? I knew God loved me, but honestly, I wasn’t feeling very loved at that moment. I felt as if Satan were throwing darts at me labeled: Forgotten. Invisible. Hopeless. Failure. Not good enough.
In an audible cry, I uttered these words; “God, I can’t live like this, please take this pain, the heaviness in my heart away, this Christian life seems impossible to live unless you change my heart. Give me a heart to love and desire you more than anything else in this world. I need you to take off this burden I don’t want to go on being bitter. Lord please set me free, renew my mind…some of the words got stuck in my throat the tears I couldn’t control”(Yes I still remember every single word) After this I begun to connect the dots ( not suddenly, but after some months)… If I loved God, then I would live for God and nothing else, yes I had lost my dad but then God still has a purpose for my life, I’ll live and declare the works of God — His plans are for my good. (Jeremiah 29:11).
Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.
Sometimes you don’t even know how you sank into depression — perhaps all the measures you used to cope with the pain failed or the pain becomes greater than the resource for coping but mind you You can survive this. That’s all! It’s about Survival. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die – it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights… no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.
Don’t accept it if someone tells you, “That’s not enough to be suicidal about.” There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain. I am not saying suicide is either wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral.
Grace comes to them that ask. No matter how lost you are or the amount of pain you feel, find that strength to call on GRACE. You know, it’s that “merciful kindness by which God, exerting his holy influence upon souls, turns them to Christ, keeps, strengthens, increases them in Christian faith, knowledge, affection, and kindles them to the exercise of the Christian virtues“. He will receive you with open arms. You are still useful to God no matter how hopeless the situation you find yourself in seems. I want you to know that; God loves you the more when you’re feeling worthless.
Ps; A suicidal person may not ask for help, but that doesn’t mean that help isn’t wanted. People who take their lives don’t want to die—they just want to stop hurting. Don’t add up by being judgmental, show more concern and love.
Grace Supersedes Everything.
Jesus Loves You.