I didn’t quite choose the path of obedience, talking my way out of every situation especially when these little fears creep up. Walking into every gathering self consciously, wondering if that stare was for me, don’t be deceived I wasn’t so confident. I remember being in a rush to have a taste of what being a “grown up” was like — experimenting things that didn’t leave me chaste, bad decisions so I dealt with them by covering up. A few boy issues that I didn’t quite deal with properly, carrying the luggage of verbal abuse as a reminder but on the contrary that is too burdensome.
Had my fair share of struggles and still growing through them just like going through the wilderness so I’m guessing all I need is endurance. Trying to be the light but the guilt from the past and insecurities stare at me in the face — and there is my circle of people with their huge “expectations” of me — seeking validation. Perceiving myself to be so broken why will God even use me? I’m so messed up He can’t use me. Grace? Yet in the midst of all this I am still battling with Trusting Him…How do I do it?
Then comes “Destiny” revealing God’s original intent for bringing me forth. That underlying question we all have deep down inside. The mystery that unfolds His purpose for my life. But didn’t they say faith comes with being CHOSEN; If He called me to it, He’s going to bring me through it right? Hence I can no longer live in my feelings anymore; to do or not to do things just because I feel or do not feel like respectively. How uncomfortable am I willing to be for God? Beyond Emotions?
Truth is it might just be me and Him in this season thus anything that threatens to drown me from hearing from God or distract me from what He’s doing I must be willing to do away with(cut off). I don’t want to be counting on people to give me something I know only God can give — I might as well endure the stretch that comes with growth. The confusion that comes with the process — it is all coming together.
I can’t meet everyone’s approval before igniting the flame that God is trying to spark up in my life. Perhaps I don’t necessarily need people’s validation in order to be authentic but I actually need God’s hand on my life and His voice so that I can be everything He wants me to be and all I need is my willingness to yield. I don’t need to live in the parameters of my insecurities any longer. I have all the strength it takes “He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases strength” (Isaiah 40:29) So I’ll survive again, and again, and again — perhaps each time I survive, I may be teaching someone they can survive too by trusting God.
Willingly taking the path of being uncomfortable for God, to sacrifice, taking up that cross – without giving up to the end. Insights about my purpose will open through this stretch.
Hope of a Life Spent With You.