Have you ever had to question if you were on the right path? Is this really what God wants for me? I sit in church, at work — in a cab, public transport (trotro) and wonder if the person sitting next to me can sense it too. The search for truth — the hunger and thirst for truth, there were times that I could shove it aside. I can’t seem to escape the voice of change. It haunts me until sleep takes over, but the amusing part is, it is waiting for me the moment I open my eyes. I try to drown it with music. Crowding it with the thoughts of doubt and disbelief — I don’t have to face it. It is easier running away from it than confronting it right? I don’t feel ready, Do I even have what it takes?
Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a little girl all over again. I remember way back when my biggest problem was whether I wanted to wear an already made dress, flower socks or a hat coupled with a bag to Sunday school — then I took the first hit staining that innocence — by reaching for things I made myself believe I needed. It’s called Growing up right?
Truth is, I am still dealing with the consequences of wrong choices and bad decisions from the past — I don’t know if I can risk another wrong turn. So I sit on the steps of my destiny too afraid to climb further, too exposed to go back. I want to be the light that gives people hope to believe there is God but also without them realizing I have all these fears and scars. What if I fail at this? Perhaps overcoming this fear will reveal God’s divine purpose for my life. His sole inspiration for creating me
My mind has succeeded in convincing me that I must know the outcome of everything even before taking the first step. It makes me feel like I can’t handle what comes next.
God can I at least have a sneak peek at my future before I get there? The bigger picture? At least a promise so that trusting can be a lot more easier. I wonder why God didn’t make my mountain easier to climb. I wish that He would give me the strength I see in others. Maybe that’s because I may not be able to handle the weakness that comes along with their strength. He places me in situations where I have to prove to myself what He’s known all along: I’ve got what it takes. And His word assures me that “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”(Exodus 33:14) He makes me go through the uncomfortable, digging deep, stretched within, facing my fears so that when I finally taste the victory of overcoming I won’t forget the preparation it took to get there. So even though I am scared, I’ll trust anyway.
Ever heard of broken miracles? “But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty;” ( 1 Corinthians 1:27). For some of us loving God can’t be achieved until we are willing to be broken in diverse ways and through that brokenness He blesses us. We get to remind the world that God can break you to bless others. There is beauty in Brokenness — Vulnerability is useful.
He says “his grace is sufficient” and that’s not cliche because he gives us grace on credit in order for our faith to be increased (2 Corinthians 12:9). The trials and challenges stretch our faith to that point of “Surrender“. Giving it all up to Him because everyone who promised not to fail, did at a point, except Him. He doesn’t compel anyone to move, He will not force you to worship Him — no our faith has a choice, a choice of free will. Surrendering to His will.
Suddenly coming to that realization; God is only shaking off mindsets, relationships, and opportunities that I should never have clung unto in the first place. Throwing away the excuses, doubts, belief systems and subscribing to GRACE. Push myself, through the process, set boundaries, to have unprecedented discipline, obeying His commandments. I learnt at church that there are rewards reserved for those who obey and follow the ways of the Lord and are able to make the tough decisions not to compromise their faith(they are called the overcomers Revelations 3:12). Hence I am taking the steps of Submission. Obedience and Service.
Dear Lord, I am not ignorant of what you’re doing with me and I really don’t want to mess this up. I don’t want to make misdirection, interpreting and giving meaning to everything with my canal mind and get this wrong. Help me to hear you so clearly I don’t mistake Your voice for the enticing pleasures that come to distract me. Help me to uncover dimensions of myself I never knew existed. Show me who I really am not who I’m comfortable being. Take me out of my comfort zone, I need a nudge in the right direction, lead me with Your voice and protect me with Your hand. I want to go deeper with you even if it means I have to cut some things loose. I know that I’ve been reluctant with confronting this moment for reasons I can’t fully express, but I’m finally saying, lead the way for I am ready to obey, ready to embrace this change and all that comes along with it.